By Zachary Gorchow
President of Michigan Operations
Posted: August 7, 2018 2:45 PM

The 2018 Michigan gubernatorial primary, which has been building for years, finally ends tonight.

The seven major party candidates will be winnowed to two, who will face off along with the minor party nominees, in the November general election.

But before we bid farewell to the primary season, I thought it appropriate to pay homage to the candidates through the songs of my favorite band, REM. Why REM, which broke up seven years ago? Well, I’m on a REM kick thanks to the “R U Talkin’ REM Re: Me?” podcast and, well, it’s my blog, so I get to pick the band and the songs.

I’ve picked one song to fit with the dominant theme of each candidate’s campaign and one song to reflect what the candidate’s critics have said about the campaign, or something that has dogged each candidate’s campaign.

We’ll go in ballot order, which means Republicans first, Democrats second and the candidates in alphabetical order within each party.

LT. GOVERNOR BRIAN CALLEY

THEME SONG: “Stand”

Mr. Calley, as the second-in-command to Governor Rick Snyder, has run unapologetically as the candidate who will continue the economic policies of the current administration. REM’s first big commercial hit, off of 1988’s “Green,” opens with the line “Stand in the place where you live.” That’s what Mr. Calley has done.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Feeling Gravity’s Pull”

There’s a reason no lieutenant governor since the adoption of the 1963 Constitution, which made the lieutenant governor a running mate of the gubernatorial candidate instead of an independently elected office, has won direct election to the governorship. The LG gets all the governor’s enemies and half the governor’s friends, as former Governor John Engler once said of his No. 2, Lt. Governor Dick Posthumus. And the lieutenant governor typically is not well known among the greater electorate. The grinding opener of 1985’s “Fables of the Reconstruction” fits for the uphill struggle Mr. Calley’s campaign always was going to be.

SEN. PATRICK COLBECK

THEME SONG: “I Believe”

Mr. Colbeck is the true believer conservative who came out of the tea party movement and pens various ideas on how to put more money into roads and health care without raising taxes, an idealism befitting this gem off of 1986’s “Lifes Rich Pageant.”

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Exhuming McCarthy”

Mr. Colbeck, without evidence, accused Democratic gubernatorial candidate Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, who is Muslim, of being part of a purported, unproven conspiracy of the Muslim Brotherhood to elect Islamists to public office in the United States. This song off of 1987’s “Document” was about the band’s anger at the Reagan era and the feeling that 1950s Communist conspiracist Joseph McCarthy would fit right in.

DR. JIM HINES

THEME SONG: “The Outsiders”

Not one of REM’s best-known songs, off their relatively obscure “Around the Sun” album from 2004 that the band now disparages as a low point. Nonetheless, there’s no better fitting song for the candidate who kept trying to convince voters to back him as the lone political outsider in the Republican field.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “What If We Give It Away?”

Mr. Hines is going to spend almost $3 million of his own money on a bid that, as this hour, has no apparent chance of coming close to success. The opening lyrics of this song off of 1986’s “Lifes Rich Pageant” are “On the outside/underneath the wall/all the money/couldn’t buy.” Sounds about right.

ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL SCHUETTE

THEME SONG: “Orange Crush”

Mr. Schuette said it himself the other day. The story of the Republican primary has been President Donald Trump’s endorsement of him. And Mr. Schuette has referenced that endorsement time and time again. Even though this song off of 1988’s “Green” is about the use of Agent Orange in Vietnam, given Mr. Trump’s famous orange hue, the title could not be more perfect here.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Finest Worksong”

Democrats and his Republican opponents have hammered Mr. Schuette on allegations of performing political work on government time. Thus, the opening track off of “Document” seems like the right fit.

DR. ABDUL EL-SAYED

THEME SONG: “Talk About the Passion”

I debated this one against “Ignoreland” off of 1992’s “Automatic for the People,” a rant against the Reagan/Bush era that dovetails nicely with Mr. El-Sayed’s fury at the political establishment. But if Mr. El-Sayed is going to spring an upset, it’s going to be because of what he inspired in voters, making this stone-cold classic (podcast fans will get this reference) off of 1983’s “Murmur” the clear choice. Plus, it’s in my top five all-time REM songs.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Leaving New York”

I can’t believe I have two songs from “Around the Sun” on here, but the controversy that erupted in the winter over whether Mr. El-Sayed was eligible to run for governor because he was simultaneously registered to vote in New York City and Ann Arbor set his campaign back months. This is the best song off of “Around the Sun.”

SHRI THANEDAR

THEME SONG: “Shiny Happy People”

I don’t like this song, which was a commercial hit, off of 1991’s “Out of Time” and by all accounts the band isn’t terribly fond of it either, but the bright, bubbly feel of Mr. Thanedar’s ubiquitous television commercials made me think of it.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Hollow Man”

I debated between “Hollow Man” off of 2008’s “Accelerate” and “Animal” off of the 2004 best of collection, “In Time.” “Animal” because of the torrent of negative coverage Mr. Thanedar got after questions were raised about his company’s treatment of animals at a testing facility. But “Hollow Man” is the better song, so I’m going with it because of the fury directed at Mr. Thanedar by Democrats that he is masquerading a Democrat and on a vanity mission.

GRETCHEN WHITMER

THEME SONG: “Driver 8”

The meaning of this stone cold classic off of “Fables of the Reconstruction” is murky and the lyrics refer to trains, not cars, but it seemed the best fit for Ms. Whitmer’s “fix the damn roads” theme. The only song of REM’s that overtly uses the word road (I think) is the band’s drunken cover of “King of the Road” and that wasn’t going to work.

CRITICS’ THEME SONG: “Second Guessing”

Another one I debated. “All the Right Friends,” a really old REM song that somehow showed up on the “Vanilla Sky” soundtrack, would be a nice nod to Ms. Whitmer’s sweeping virtually every Democratic endorsement and the sense among some Democrats she has the party’s machine behind her. I decided to go with “Second Guessing” because (A) I wanted to get something off of 1984’s “Reckoning” on this list and (B) Ms. Whitmer’s moves have been second guessed for the last 20 months. Did she get in too early? Why did she churn through staff early on? Why wasn’t she on television sooner? Etc.

For the five candidates who fall short tonight, I have a few recommendations. “Why Not Smile” off of 1998’s “Up,” “All the Best” off of 2011’s “Collapse Into Now” and – of course – “Everybody Hurts.”